Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ChesM523's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
7:14 pm	my trip to new orleans had a much greater effect on me than I had thought, now that I am home I am realizing this. I need a break to recover. I am truly emotionally exhausted, its not even physical exhaustion, its just... exhaustion. We tore down so many homes, so many lives were destroyed with every hammer strike I used to to shatter the walls. Hidden secrets suddenly exposed by sledge hammers as we pounded the plaster walls into disguised cubby spaces behind closets. We found a little baby doll, safely tucked away in her little bed behind the closet door. Her skin was dirtied with sewage and mold from the remnants of a hurricane that only 8 months ago caused the entire city to be completely submerged in water. The woman welcomed us with open arms, crying and hugging us and thanking us so much. "god bless you" she said. and I felt so good to be there, doing something for another person. I don't think i've ever helped someone when it mattered. I've always given a can at the can drive, or the senior citizens dinner in oakdale. but it's different to be there for someone who has lost everything. Suddenly you are a source of hope for another when it seems like all hope is gone. Going to a house that had been built by the owner's (Mike) brother 49 years ago. Throwing out everything they every owned as it was still (8 months later) waterlogged with moldy flood water. The stench was unbearable, you couldn't even breathe through your nose, lest you wanted to vomit (as many of the girls around me were doing). It smelled so bad. It smelled like death. We had to take out refrigerators filled with 8 month old liquified fish and oysters and clams, and meat, and eggs, and milk. We had to drag out toilets filled with fecal matter that had been stewing for 8 months. Cocroaches were everywhere. we were lucky to not find rats nesting within the insulation. we were lucky. we did see rats though. in the ninth ward. god. it looked like a tornado ran through it. there was nothing left for miles and miles. roofs thrown several blocks away from where its original foundation lay. and the houses were so poor to begin with there wasn't really even a foundation- the foundation was cinderblocks. and as soon as the water breached the levy, the houses washed away without anything holding them steadfastly to the ground. walking through there it was silent. silent. there was no life, and there were certainly dead bodies still left to be uncovered because many of the toppled houses appeared to be rummaged through even slightly. It was eerie to walk through the streets and see each house marked with spray paint with a big X. the numbers around the "X" correlated to dead people, animals, nad other damage. We saw a car indicating that a person and a dog were found dead inside it. and then we walked through the ninth ward streets and saw the trees where people clung for days in an attemt to save their lives. and we drove over I-10 where hundreds of people flocked to the highest ground hoping to be saved. but they were not given water or food for four days and they baked in the sun. many died just from lack of water and food. and that should not have happened. and it makes me angry. i feel so angry about that. I feel so angry that our country doesn't care enough about New Orleans and the poor people in it to stop dragging their feet and rebuild that ninth ward. and I am angry at that wealthy woman who said that she was upset because she couldn't find her $3000 shoe. and how she had a nice time away traveling europe. and that she initially decided to wait with her husband and not evacuate. but then later decided to go, and went to catch a bus outof the city. and because the line was long she slipped the driver $100 to go ahead of others "because that is what you have to do with these people". and then i think of the people who died because they did not make it on the bus because these people cut in line. and then i think about the man who raced up the stairs as the water came rushing into his house, and he clutched his elderly wife's hand, and how she slipped from his grip and fell beneath the flooding water only to drown in that same house right before her husbands eyes. and he had to force himself on to the roof in order to survive himself. and i wonder what i would have done, if i too would have accepted the situation and saved myself or if i would have gone after my dead spouse and died myself. what do you do? how can you decide? how can you go on living? and then there was the yamakah we found imbedded in the wall where we tore down walls, choking on the shredded insulation and fiberglass. It pierced our eyes. and I wondered what their story was, and where they were today, and what they had lost. This was a upper middle class family, the nieghborhood was beautiful, and yet, it was dead. It felt like nazi germany walking down the streets after everyone had been killed. that's what it felt like. Brick houses along the street and not a single soul living in any house on that street. and there were so many streets like that. and it hurt to see so much death. it hurt so much that i didn't even realize it at the time, i was just numb to it. and the made with love cafe. the food was gross, the lines were long, the weather was always cold, it was always crowded. and everyone was happy. everyone was there sharing stories, and loving eachother. the food servers were hippies, and they danced and sang as they scooped food into your plate. and you were grateful for it, because the person right next to you in line had lost their home, their family, their job, their money. They were lucky to have this place, this place that graciously offered food, showers, restrooms, clothing, bycicles, and most of all friendly company. This place was beautiful. And no one went hungry, and everyone had a story to share, and we all sat around a table and listened. and we laughed together, and we cried together, and we hugged eachother. and we were all there TOGETHER. that i think is what struck me the most. we were there together. we were workers, volunteers, victims, friends, strangers. We were there from Massachusettes, Colorado, California, Ohio, Pennsylvania. We were Students, Teachers, christians, menanites, jews, athiests (as many community members labeled some of us). We were Democrats, republicans, independents, apolitical, socialists, capitalists, we were wealthy, poor, middle class. and we were all there in this little town discussing the same issues, telling the same stories, and we were all here for the same reason. We all wanted to do what we could to help these people in our country get back on their feet. It was the most beautiful experience I have ever encountered. For one week, we weren't any of the previously mentioned groups. we were instead just a bunch of americans coming to help out other americans. And that is the greatest lesson I pulled out of this experience. Our country is beautiful because we do care about eachother. we aren't as self serving as the media and politicians would have us believe. we aren't as divided a nation. we still believe in a country. we still have an identity as American that over ranks any other identity, and that is a beautiful thing. this trip was amazing. and I have so much to say, and i don't know how to say any of it. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
2:49 pm	Your senior year in High School is supposed to be "the best year of your life." Let's see how much you remember. I know for some it might be hard for you to go back that far! Year :: 2004 1. Who were your best friends? Cailin, Sarah (for freshman and sophomore year), and Michael 2. What sports did you play? Cross Country, indoor track, outdoor track, and basketball 3. What kind of car did you drive? the volovo! 4. It's Friday night, where were you? usually with Michael, or at a football game, or at practice. 5. Were you a party animal? no 6. Were you in the "In Crowd"? no, i guess i was just casually friends with most people 7. Ever skip school? to see harry potter! *sarah and Cailin* 8. Ever smoke? No way 9. Were you a nerd? Senior year? I am a history nerd at heart. 10. Did you get suspened/expelled? never even got a detention 11. Can you sing the Alma Mater? yes i can, thanks to pam howit! 12. Who was your favorite teacher? Mr. Lamperelli, Mr. carter! <-- HA HA, that was comlete sarcasm there! 13. Favorite class? American Studies and modern europe 14. What was your school's full name? Montville High School 15. School mascot? An indian 16. Did you go to Prom? Yes, it was at the beach and so much fun 17. If you could go back and do it over, would you? no, the whole thing was perfect the first time around 18. What do you remember most about graduation? looking like a lobster with my sunburn 19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year? outdoor track, and beating betsy boucher in the 2 mile! 20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? who has a senior wall?? 21. Did you have a job your senior year? o yes, at Herbs 22. Who did you date? Michael Beckwith 23. Where did you go most often for lunch? Caf. II in the middle of the cafeteria 24. Have you gained weight since then? yes, 2.5 pounds 25. What did you do after graduation? Project Graduation and had my future told by the palm reading person. lol. and had caricatures done. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
3:28 pm	annoyed. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 21st, 2006
3:47 pm	well break is over. and i'm not ready for it. I really don't want to be back yet. I had a great time with my family this break. I really love spending itme with them. and I was so happy seeing my cailin and my michael. I wish the four of us, marc, mike, cai and me, could move to a cabin on the beach and just stay there all day not having to worry about anything. I hate hate hate saying goodbye. I feel like i can just cry every time i say good bye to my cailin. She is my very best friend. She is always here to listen to me, and i just don't know what i would do without her. I am so lucky to have her, she has always been a true friend to me. someone who had never changed, who never would abandon me, or make me feel like i'm not good enough to hangout with. no she is really the best friend anyone could ever hope for. I'm sitting here in college just by myself cuz not a lot of people are back yet, and i am just happy that she is my best friend. I wish she was here, and we could sit and talk for a long while and laugh like we always do, and watch her silly movies, lol. we have such a great time. and then i also hate saying goodbye to my michael. I hate saying goodbye to him. it feels like a stab in the heart every time we have to say goodnight or good bye. I had such a great time with him. he makes me laugh so hard, and he's just the best partner for anything really. he is always someone i can talk to at 3 am, or joke around with and do crazy fun things with. He is so incredible. I am lucky. i just want to fast forward in my life because i'm tired of having to be away from him, although i know that our relationship is so healthy partly because we can live hours away from eachother and still have that strong feeling inside. We have such a great time even after we've been apart for so long. and we can always just pick up like normal. it doesn't feel wierd, and it really just feels so good to be together. I can't say enough how lucky I am. I truly would never change a thing about him. he is so great. i don't know, this is a lot of thoughts. i never seem to write coherently when i just write about random things. but i guess that is okay. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
3:36 pm	sometimes i am just a bitch. I feel so badly, last night mike and i were talking and i got into some pmsy mood and suddenly was offended about something stupid, i don't even remember what it was. and so i decided i didn't feel like talking. and then, mike tried to be nice and talk and i was just bitchy. and i really hurt his feelings. GOD I HATE WHEN I DO THIS. it seems like if anything ever gets screwed up it truly is my fault. he's just so perfect, and he never does anything to hurt me, it's always me who screws up. I just feel so badly. i cried all night because hurting him absolutely breaks my heart. It more like TEARS my heart into shreads. I never want to hurt him, he is too good to me. sometimes it's so hard being away from him that it becomes unbearable. I hate it. Sometimes i would give anything to have him lying beside me so i could just hug him for being so good to me. I just want to race forward two more years till i graduate and we can live together and just be happy. That would be so great. I really can't wait for that. in other news. I went for my bonescan... no stress fracture! thank God! One more meet to go then! NEWMAC's at Smith next saturday! my second race of the season, and my last race of the season. lol. o well, off to practice now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
3:04 pm	wow, what a weekend. I can't even believe it. I spent the entire weekend having the greatest time with MIchael. We spent the mornings cuddled in bed watching movies and kissing and talking. It was so special. I love those nights where we just lie in bed talking until the early hours of hte morning. I love him so much. I really feel as though I will be with Michael for the rest of my life. Every day that we are together feels so right and so normal, and when we are apart, it just feels wierd. I can't wait to see him again in two weeks. It feels so far away. School is going well, but is hectic at the same time. Midterms are coming up in a week. XC was going well, but it turns out i might have another stress fracture. shit. so that's screwing my running over right now. o well, we'll see in a week how this pans out. now its off to cross train. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
4:08 pm	You are Sam the Eagle. You are patriotic and devoted. And extremely anal. HOBBIES: Patriotism, Being appalled at what everyone else is doing. FAVORITE MUSIC: The National Anthem of America FAVORITE MOVIE: "An American In....America" LAST BOOK READ: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Eagles are from America" QUOTE: "Please stop that now! It's un-American!" What Muppet are you? brought to you by Quizilla ha! that was humerous. in other news... It's mountain day! i spent htis beautiful day baking pies and picking apples and having fun with the girls!!! Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Friday, August 26th, 2005
9:57 am	I feel as though my heart is being ripped from my soul. Michael just left today. I know this would be coming, i just hoped it would come and pass so quickly that I wouldln't be able to feel it. like a quick paper cut that you slap a bandaid on quickly to stop the slight bleeding. Instead it has pierced me so deep that no matter what I do, i can not stop the pulsing blood from pouring out. God it hurts. I can't stop crying. I burst into tears every five minutes and feel somewhat like that lady in "something's gotta give". I want to curl up and cry for the next month. I don't know when I'll see him again. Hopefully some time in September. I know i will see him twice in October. But when you see someone everyday from the moment you wake up untill 11 o'clock at night for 4 months, they become like air to you. and you feel like you can't breathe. He is the most special thing in my life, the most important person to me. I just feel like letting these tears stream down my face and laying in bed watching a sappy movie like You Got Mail. and crying with tissues. boxes and boxes of tissues. I hurt so much. I miss him. Current Mood: sad (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 24th, 2005
11:03 pm	so work is going well. it actually is better than just "well"... I LOVE IT. I love what i'm doing. i'm not just sitting around and running dog food through a scanner or stocking shelves but i'm actually doing something productive something intellectual. I'm doing research for studies that may eventually turn in to international policy. it is just amazing to think that I could be involved with something like that. I am just so happy this job worked out, despite that it was a pain in the ass wondering if I would actually get it. But it was definitely worth the annoyance and confusion of this past month. and I still am making 3000 dollars this summer (which i will need because my scholarships have short changed me a lot so far for next year). I'm so happy for the weekend. Its alraedy off to a good start. I got to come home early (sit through a severe amount of traffic on rt 32) and then take a nice nap. after that, mike and I had pasta shells and spaghetti sauce. it was perfect after a long day. after that, we went on an exploration run. We explored the fields of montville and found special trails and paths, and spent a lot of time at the lake, talking, climbing on the rocks and skimming stones. it was perfect. afterwards, I built a fire (I know that might be hard to believe, but i did it all by myself) and we sat by the fire roasting marshmallows untill the fire died. Finally we got to finish the night up with the last 20 minutes of Law and Order Trial by Jury. No night is complete with out my CSI or Law and Order. another highlight of the day... Redsox won. A double highlight of the day... The Yankees LOST. haha Cailin. (jk) now it's off to bed, my body does not want to handle being awake for 16 hours. I finally get to sleep in!!! BEACH TOMARROW!!!! Current Mood: happy Current Music: The Scientist (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
10:27 am	I've just been fucked over. wonderful. I can not even begin to explain how fucking pissed off I am. I have never been more angry in my entire life. What the FUCK! Way to tell me that I have a Job, get me all excited about the money and opportunities and then fucking blow me out of the water and tell me that I didn't even make the first cut for applicants... a month late. atleast they could have told me this back in MAY when I could have had an extra month to make up for some of the 7,000 dollars that I am no longer going to be making this summer. GOD. WHAT THE FUCK! I just feel so used, so lied to, so bull shitted. I just don't understand why you would tell someone something like that and get them all excited about it, and then say o sorry our mistake, it was out of my hands, I can't even interview you. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: pissed off (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
10:06 am	so... I haven't updated in a while. so much has been happening and at the same time i've been to lazy to think about coming on here and writing it all down. I have yet to start my job because the hiring process is taking SOOO damn long. I just want to get going on it because i get so bored here during the day sometimes. But i love being able to see mike all evening. I am sitting here watching him go through his final weeks at MHS and remembering that I was there just a year ago, going through the same thing, feeling the same feelings, everything. It's amazing how time passes, how you grow, and how suddenly you don't belong here anymore. Suddenly you are too grown up for the life that this town means to you now. Its so hard to explain, but its just so awkward some times, because it does feel like you no longer belong here. I am just so excited to start to have my own life within the next few years, to start living on my own. it seems like life comes at you so fast. this summer is going to be sooooo fun. i'm looking forward to adventuring New York City in August with my Michael when we go to see the Yankees game. that is going to be sooooo much fun. I'm just looking forward to doing so much with him. I can't wait till he's out of school and we can just have tons of fun, and go all different places. tonight its off to lighthouse in with Cai Marc Sar Beta and Michael. Gotta love all you can eat pasta nite! woohoo! I'm off for a run now... (Gotta burn some calories before i gorge myself with Pasta) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
4:20 pm	okay, so the semester is almost over. I feel as though i'm dying trying to finish these exams and papers. but it will all be over, whether i do them well or not, in a few days. and i can't wait for that deadline. I qualified for New Englands in the Steeple chase, so i'll be braving the track one more time on saturday, broken toenail and all. I'm so excited to get this opportunity as a freshman to be able to go to New Engalds. It is such an honor to get to go further in the championships. This is the hardest race i've ever done, it hurts soooo incredibly much. but i love it. i find myself crying throughout the fifth lap, just wishing it was over, but I love it at the same time. I love track. i don't want it to end. this is my favorite season. its amazing. I can't believe the year is almost over, I've learned so much. It doesn't feel right going back home, i feel like i should stay here all summer, that this is my home. but its not. and it just feels so strange to be in my parents house where i have to follow their rules again, when i just spent 8 months ruling my own life. This will be a unique experience. well i've got to get back to my essays/studying. 118 hours left of studying. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
10:56 am	so i raced my first steeple yesterday. wow. what an experience. I was so afraid at first, i hadn't ever actually jumped into the water pit before yesterday and i didn't realize just how freakin deep it was! I got one trial jump before the race and i fell completely on my face and skinned my knees and hand, lol. so then the race started and I thought i did pretty well for the first time- i think i qualified for New Englands (I'm just waiting for the official results to come out, because my coach has me at 12:59 and qualifying is 13:00) so i'm really excited about that. I never thought i'd be able to qualify. but i'm already thinking of places i can cut down my time to get faster, i think i can run atleast 12:30, probably faster. that would be great. well i'm just so happy! and my michael came to watch me run, i was just sad i couldn't have visited longer. the rain was making my dad miserable and they left twenty minutes after my race. that wasn't fun, i really wanted to visit with them. I miss my michael, and now that i'm going to New Englands (hopefully) i wont see him for another week. o well. I just have to look forwad to seeing him for four months in a couple weeks. aright back to work. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
11:54 pm	we had senior banquet today. Wow it was so much fun. I can't wait till i'm a senior and i get to have all the first years wait on me and bring me really good food from fancy restaurants. And then watch them put on skits to make fun of us. wow, it feels like its not going to be too far away either, i mean look at how fast this year went. Amazing. anyways, my skit went so well, i was soo happy- it got A LOT of laughs. and it was so fun to do! I love my school. its so amazing. I feel so happy here, sometimes i wish i could bring michael here for the summer and then i'd be perfectly happy. Saturday is my first and possibly only try at the steeple chase. We'll see how that one goes. I can't wait to see what its like, and how it feels. i've been having some serious pain in my achilles, but i'll be running anyways, I just want to feel what its like to race an even i've been training so hard for all season. It is probably going to be the hardest race i've ever run. Ellen says that i might not even be able to run for like three days afterwards because it kills your body sooo much. I'm looking forward to it! lol. okay i have to get to bed to try and stock up on sleep so theres' no excuse for sucky performance on saturday. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 17th, 2005
10:38 am	so i had been feeling really depressed about running lately. The past three meets I was running 5:58 miles, one was even over six minutes. I was so frustrated because I really really felt like i should be running faster. Then this week we had two killer G-style workouts, and some how, out of nowhere, I was running them at 5 minute mile pace and getting faster with each set of 600's. it was amazing to me! and then yesterday the meet came. and I felt so ready that I could run sub 5:30 for the 1500. I was so confident. and I ended up running 5:15 and running the fastest anyone on our team has all season. I am so happy right now. it just feels like i'm finally turning on. My coach came up to me and was like "Ches, I've been waiting to see you do that all season!" and i was just soo happy. I had to call G right away... God I"m sooo happy! anyways that is my news for the day! two more weeks left of school. I can't believe how fast this year went. way too fast. but i'm happy for summer, it should be exciting. Hopefully i have a job doing research for the Coast Guard Academy, i'll find that out monday. that will be so awesome! and ofcourse, two more weeks till i see my boy again! i miss him. i don't think i can take just talking on the phone for very much longer. I miss him. and i can't wait to give him his birthday present, he is going to love it! well I should go eat, then work, then write a 5 page paper all afternoon/night/morning/day tomarrow! Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Howie Day (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 31st, 2005
10:38 pm	well, despite me fucking up my housing sheet I got a single!!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOO! so yeah, i'll be on the first floor with my own bathtub! sweeeettttt! i'm so happy that i got a single! It was actually the last one available in my house so i was wicked lucky!!! I just can't wait till i have a room all to my own next year... And michael can come and visit me!!! I look forward to that the most, being able to go to bed at night with him by my side. God I miss that boy so much. I'm so excited to see him saturday, i just wish I had longer time to spend with him. Next year things will be different hopefully. Okay I'm just rambling, and i'm really super tired. I should just go to bed. i'm so excited about my new room. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
1:29 pm	went to missy's show last night. God girl, you are amazing! AMAZING. I don't know what it was but I almost wanted to cry leaving you last night. I miss our talks. we have to get together again soon. the show was unbelievable. Everyone else, if you haven't seen it, get ur butt in gear and go to central to see missy perform. the ride up and back was interesting, as it always is if you are riding in the blooper with stacey. lol. I figure stacey is the only person who can get home from new Brittain in 32 minutes. lol. that is amazing to say the least. good times good times. i can't wait till summer. serious bondage is needed. i can't wait to see everyone i've missed during all of these short breaks from school. well gotta get back to cleaning. I'll def be in florida next year this time. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 7th, 2005
1:12 pm	As if I have nothing better to do than waste my time reading live journals when i have two papers due at 5:00 tonight. aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh anyways, you should procrastinate too and do this! 1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you. 2. I will then tell you what song and/or band reminds me of you. 3. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise. 4. Last, I will name a single word that best describes you. 5. Put this in your journal. Current Mood: and ready for spring break Current Music: Coldplay (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
10:38 pm	i screwed up my housing form,and now i get last draw out of everyone in my house. great. Current Mood: pissed off (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
2:32 pm	Gunner Palace. anyone want to join me and jenny in seeing this film? this is going to be amazing. Why the fuck are we in Iraq again? God I hate this president more than i have ever hated anyone. he is a moron. I'm really getting ready to protest my little heart out! http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&cf=info&id=1808628849&intl=us Current Mood: pissed off (1 Comment |Comment on this)